Wow, I'm a little ashamed at how long it's been since I've written here. It's strange how something that has always served as an outlet and a comfort for me has recently seemed like such a chore. Not because I haven't had anything to write about, and not because I haven't wanted to write. But for several months now, each time I've attempted to put my thoughts into words I've wound up with a headache, staring at a blank screen as the cursor taunts me with it's incessant blinking. So eventually, I just stopped trying for a while.
But tonight I find myself lost in my thoughts once again, unable to sleep, and for the first time in a long time, writing just feels... right.
Do you ever get the feeling that everything around you is changing, and while you realize that change is inevitable, necessary even, you can't help but want to freeze time? It's like the world is spinning slower somehow, but still, things are moving entirely too fast. Like you're suddenly recognizing and appreciating things you never paid much attention to before, yet you're painfully aware of the fact that those things are temporary and you begin to miss them before they're even gone. Have you ever known that something huge is about to happen (or maybe it's already happening) and if you don't slow down and really pay attention, you're going to miss the whole point? That's the best way I can think to describe what I've been feeling lately. It's as if every fiber of my being is telling me that things are changing -- I'm changing -- and one day when I look back on my life, the things that are happening right now will stand out as some of the more defining moments of my entire existence.
When you think about it, life is really nothing but a string of fleeting moments. Most get lost in the shuffle of every day life, forgotten almost as soon as they happen. But every once in a while we experience little moments that have a bit more resonance than others. There have been dozens of moments in the past few months that I'm certain will forever leave their imprint on my soul. Moments that have changed me. Moments that have made me laugh. Moments that have made me question almost everything I thought I knew. Moments of pain and heartache. And even a few moments that were so devastatingly perfect, I could (and sometimes do) just cry.
All that being said, in the midst of this... what is this? An existential crisis, maybe? The beginning of the end of my sanity? Whatever it is, even as I find myself immersed in the conflict and confusion and bizarre excitement of life, things are going quite well. My health has been (dare I say it) the best it's been in a very long time. This is probably a topic deserving of it's own post, but for now I'll just say that aside from a little cold I've been fighting for about five days now, things have been pretty awesome on the health front.
In other news, Morgan's birthday is next month! For the handful of you that have been reading this blog since she was an infant, just go ahead and take a second to let that sink in... our baby is turning four! Can you believe it? Being home with her these past several months has been quite an adventure. I think I'm finally starting to get the hang of this stay at home mom thing. It's definitely not without it's difficult moments, but just today I laid down on the couch and she jumped up behind me to snuggle, her arms and legs wrapped around my torso, her head buried deep into my neck. And that's when she looked up at me with her giant blue eyes and sweetly said, "Mom, I don't even know why I love you so, so, sooo much... but I sure do." And then she immediately followed that up with a loud, grown-man sized fart.
And while we laid there on the couch together, wrapped up in each other and laughing hysterically, I realized that this is exactly the kind of moment that matters. One of the good ones I'll carry with me. The kind that, regardless of how ridiculous the circumstances were, I'll cherish forever because in that moment there was no room in my heart for anything but complete and total happiness.