Saturday, December 15, 2012

The good and the bad

The good news is: I've been here a week and seem to still have most of my sanity intact. 
The bad news is: When I say "here" I mean the hospital. Yep. After just a month of freedom, I'm back in the clink! It was a rough month and I'm anxious to finally get feeling better so I'm in pretty good spirits about being here (yet again). But I do have to admit, the last few months have felt a little bit like, "Go directly to jail. Do not pass Go. Do not collect $200." I'm hoping next month is a little more, "You win the lottery. Advance token to nearest five star resort."

The good news is: I had my Day 7 PFTs yesterday and they showed significant improvement, so I'm hopeful that this course of treatment is working.  
The bad news is: Despite the improvement in numbers, I don't feel as good as I should be feeling eight days into an admission. I picked up a virus shortly after I got here (possibly on one of my trips to the cafeteria?) and have been fighting a sore throat and runny nose for the past few days. I'm keeping my fingers crossed that it doesn't turn into anything that will prolong my stay or make it necessary to be admitted again anytime soon. (I've had enough of this place for, oh, the next few years at least!)

The good news is: Because my port was removed  when I was here last month and I've had a notoriously difficult time with PICC placements, I was able to get my line placed in radiology (all the better to sedate you, my dear) which made for the least traumatic PICC placement I've had to date.  
The bad news is: Trying to start a peripheral IV so that it was possible to receive those handy-dandy sedation drugs was a less than pleasant experience. There aren't a lot of things in life that I truly excel at, but I know at least four nurses who would agree that I'm the Valedictorian of Crappy Veins.

The good news is: I was able to see all of my siblings on Thursday, including my brother from San Diego and my sister from Ohio who I haven't seen in over a year. Since I'll miss the family Christmas parties this weekend, they decided to bring the party up to me. We had an extra fancy holiday feast in the cafeteria, and the kiddos (and my brothers) even decorated my room with snowflakes, garland and an adorable little tree.  
The bad news is: As great as it was to see everyone, I'd rather be enjoying their company outside the hospital.


My heart has been heavy the past couple days as so many people I know seem to be struggling in one way or another right now. Yesterday's news out of Connecticut seemed to top it all off and this afternoon, after Adam and Morgan left for home, I sat down and had a good cry. There is so much about life that I'll never understand, so much darkness. But at the same time I'm overwhelmingly grateful for the blessings I have in my life. I was able to snuggle with my baby girl all night long, I kissed my husband today, I woke up breathing and all my basic needs have been met today; in a world that sometimes makes no sense at all, that's all we can really ask for some days. 

Ultimately, no matter how much I wish I were home instead of writing this from a hospital bed, I can recognize and appreciate the fact that there's a lot more good than bad in my little world right now. I hope the same is the case for each of you.